Anxious

In three day. 72 hours. 3 sleeps. I find out if I passed the bar exam. I have done a superb job until now shoving this horrifying thought out of my brain... but here we are. We are "there." No more zenning out about whatever will be, will be. And I'm NERVY. I'm attempting to stay busy as a distraction, but in the midst of this sort of odd spiritual awakening/deepening that I am trying to work on, being busy isn't really jiving with my desire for peace, calm, and rest. So I'm at this weird cross-roads: stay busy and not work on peace for a few more days OR work on peace and let myself just feel the nerves.

Outside of this bar results nonsense, I am generally an anxious person because, as my therapist used to say, "You, my dear, are a future-tripper." AND I AM THE WORST KIND. I worry... incessantly. I have, in my old age, gotten better about not worrying about what other people think of me on a superficial level (on an emotional level: are they mad/sad/angry/dissapointed in me? That kind of worrying will still bind me up in a hot second). Because I do this emotional worrying, I tend to fill up my social calendar to an ungodly girth... narry a night do I not have something going on.

I worry that my friends will not be as close to me if I don't spend every spare second I have with them... the result is that I have no spare seconds for myself. And really, I don't need to do this. My friends will still be my friends if I only see them once a month... my friends will still love me just for showing up when I can.

I read on a blog this morning that it usually takes us getting sick to stop and have Sabbath: Rest: Relaxation: YOU TIME: Peace. And that is so true for me. I got self-imposed sick this weekend from too much "party juice" at a super fun wedding. So Sunday, even though I felt like crap, I spent the day on the couch... watching Parenthood and crying my eyes out cause that show is just so good. Laughing at New Girl cause that show just gives me the giggles. And SLEEPING. RESTING: Peace.

So bring it on three days. Your 72 hours haven't got nothing on me and my journey to peace. In fact, I am going to do it without filling my social calendar with all sorts of distractions. I am going toΒ get through youΒ by diving back into some great spiritual reads I have ignored for far too long. Bring it... I dare ya.