Panic. The red alert. Anxiety. Depression. Eject. No breath. Panic. It's not that I feel this way all the time, but there are moments... glimpses of moments really where I can feel the panic rising in my throat at the same time as it oozes down into my chest. Ugh. Clunk. And there it sits. This ball of worry.
There isn't one thing that brought it on today or yesterday, but, as with most emotional panics, this one creeps in the shadows. I went on my trip to Illinois so sure about the direction of my life, and left that trip feeling (you guessed) panicked. I felt like I had made a series of wrong choices and now I was stuck in where those choices had left me. Then this week at work happened and I became less confident of my ability to get a job there when I graduate. Then, I sent out my clerkship applications. Just the thought of doing interviews AGAIN makes me want to throw myself on the ground and roll around and cry like a 2.5 year old.
Add onto all of that the fact that I don't ever see myself not being broke and the fact that LB is the world's worst bet financially, and ladies and gentlemen, you have panic. Panic at the disco.
What do I do when this panic sets in?
I get the hell out of town. So today LB and I took off to go fishing in the Colorado country and it was wonderful. Relaxing and exciting all in the same. I get so excited to explore new places and that excitement tends to quell some of my panic and the endless record of doubts that continues to constantly play in my head.
(Re-reading this, I admit that I might sound a little, well psycho. But rest assured, I am just giving voice to my feelings the best way I know how... write em out).
This record, unfortunately, is not set to the tune of disco music. The record sounds much more like this: "You decided to go to law school because you want to prove something to everyone else and now you are in $200K worth of debt; you really think you are ready to get married... are you sure you don't want to "see what's out there"; your skin is awful; you have no money and no financial security; you have no family; you cycle through friends like you cycle through sunglasses; you, pretty much, should just freak out right about now."
And those, ladies and gents, are the lyrics, to my panic at the disco.