Illinois

I am feeling the need to write, and yet am totally unsure of what to say. I am feeling unsettled since my trip to Illinois. There was so much about it that I loved. The simplicity, kindness, and overall slower pace of life that a place like that represents. The scenery there is magical in its own way. The idea that, as Justin said it, "You don't get lost here because you just pick the direction you need to go and head that way on one of the straight roads." And yet, I totally felt lost. Losing all sense of direction in cornfield after cornfield. Having no idea which direction was home. Because that is what Gridley, Illinois felt like to me... a sense of home. Of that place that I have thought of in my dreams and also every time I watched Friday Night Lights. Where no one is perfect, but there is certainly something magical happening there. The community is a community. The brothers and sisters bicker, but just want good things for each other. The parents stick it out for the long haul because they have chosen this... this life... this existence with each other and for their children. The teenagers all life guard at the local pool and go "parking" in supposedly hidden places, but everyone knows everything here so nothing is really "hidden." It's different, it's wonderful, and I miss it. Obviously hidden underneath all of this is my desire to belong to a family. I know that I have to give it up, this crazy longing for something I have never had, but it is a difficult ask... just ask any kid at a candy store who can't buy the king size. "YOU WANT ME TO WHAT!???!???"