Ah, yes. We have reached the time in wedding planning where it is do or die (die is a little strong, so lets just go with cancel). The thing I am talking about killing off is not marrying LB (that I am ready to do this minute), but rather the wedding weekend.You see, I've tried to keep things simple, travel friendly, and easy for all of those folks who have already had their weddings and we have shelled out great amounts of time and love and money to support. We have begun to get things arranged with the lodge and the response has been ... Radio silence. Because I am an over thinker, I take the radio silence as rejection; it means that people are not excited to come. It may very well be that people are excited but (fill in the bank) = no response. Thus, after a week of absolute and total carefree bliss with Esther, I am dreading having to deal with the wedding arrangements... Because dealing with them now means the following conversation with LB: "if we don't get more commitments from people in the next month, we are going to just do this fucking thing in Mexico and be done with it." Then I will get to the conversation with people that goes like this, "do you think the you are going to use your family vacation to come to Colorado in a year? I understand that you will have to fly to get here, and pay for the lodge, but you won't need a car and we will take care of food and fun. Did I mention its COLORADO? And it will be a fucking fun time?" And while I won't say this last part, I sure as shit will be thinking it: WE HAVE ALREADY DONE THIS FOR YOU AT A MUCH GREATER EXPENSE TIME AND TIME AGAIN. We come home every Christmas to visit you, we travel for your weddings, your showers, your parties, and spend thousands of dollars doing it because we love you and you matter. So when you don't respond it makes me feel like you don't love me and I don't matter.
That's the root of it, isn't it?
And so, instead of torturing myself for the next year over whether or not I am loved by friends who will show up for me in the way that I show up for them (WITHOUT COMPLAINT) I either need to elope in Mexico or get new friends. (I'm only sort of kidding).
Update: at dinner tonight, LB ended his first sentence with, "we'll just go to Mexico." This is why I'm marrying him... I'm just not sure where yet.