Flashback... Leaving Phoenix...June 13, 2010

Two years ago, I was preparing to leave Phoenix and start law school here in Denver. Here were my thoughts at the time: So here I am... mid-June approximately two months before I start law school and weeks away from moving to Denver. I have been reading this book that I hope will become my Bible to get me through the studying side of law school, but what I cannot stop thinking about is how very scared I am to leave Phoenix. To leave this little bubble I have built for myself here... but mostly to leave my friends behind.

I just finished watching this episode of Grey's where Christina just shows up at Meredith's house because she is going through an awful relationship experience. Christina just simply climbs into bed with Meredith and Derek exits. Is it TV? Yes. But have I been able to have those encounters with my friends here in Phoenix... absolutely. My friends here have made this place home and they have helped me learn how to really trust again. The thought of leaving that behind pushes me near the point of hyper-ventilation.

Despite appearances, I don't really enjoy meeting new people because I jump into friendships with abandon and end up disappointed usually. It is hard for me to believe that I will find another Esther. It is hard for me to believe that I will find another Ashley. I have learned so much from knowing people here; about who I want to be, who I am and who I can choose to become. I know it has to happen, but I feel more petrified of hating everyone I go to law school with than I ever felt even starting high school or college.

This also brings up the other fears that are common at a point of transition. How will LB and I do with this move? What if something happens to us? How much more difficult will it be to pick up the pieces if we are no longer we? I know, without pause, that I will be fine regardless of what happens with us. I can know that... really know it... but I still worry about it.

What is that? The incessant worrying. An ex-boyfriend of mine once said, "Worrying is like sitting in a rocking chair expecting to go somewhere." Maybe that is why we didn't get along (the ex and I)... worrying and planning are my hobby these days.... this is reason #438572893475298475 why I am teaching summer school and occupying my time this summer. An idle mind is a dangerous mind. :)

Finally, wish us luck on the housing search in Denver... homelessness = stress.