Sometimes, you want to small m murder your spouse/partner. Not really kill them, but just sort of berate them within an inch of their lives.* This is because they know every. single. one. of. your. buttons. A friend of mine is going through some transitions in life and is struggling trying to find balance and support in the midst of it. As someone who was literally there yesterday, I can empathize. I sent her this email:
The roller coaster is normal… it’s also life. So you gotta find that common thread—the consistency and the peace to know, that it will all be ok. That the rug is not getting pulled out and hitting the panic button at every little turn is not going to help. I remember being in college and having that feeling all the time- the dread and just waiting for the bottom to drop out. Waiting for the next bad thing to up and screw me. But I realized that even if the next thing WAS going to up and screw me, waiting for it to happen was not going to help. So yeah, you/he might have a bad day today, but tomorrow you/he might not. But you, my dear, feeding into the sky is falling mentality is not going to help a damn thing. The best thing you can do, in my VERY humble opinion (because let’s be real, it’s based on what I want from LB when my family goes cooky bird) is to say, “I love you. I am here for you in whatever way you need me to be here. And I am so sorry that you are going through this. What do you need from me besides a hug?” Just saying that can take the pressure off of yourself and him for that matter.
Perhaps, make this your mantra today: I don’t have to fix this, I can’t fix this, but I can still be happy in the midst of it.
One last thing—we are the harshest to the people that we love the most. We feel free to pick fights with our partners because we trust them and love them. I know that when you want to scream at him, this realization won’t help a ton. But for me sometimes, understanding why LB is taking something out on me, (i.e., he loves and trusts me enough to just kind of emotionally vomit all over me) can help take some of the sting out of it.
*I clearly do not want to murder LB. Just thought you should know that.