Here's the thing: I have one big... large... giant fear. The biggest fear. The fear that would come in second at the Super Bowl because the Seahawks would obviously win, but it would put up one hell of a fight.  I know it's fighting capabilities because I've had this fear for as long as I can remember. It has been there, in the other corner of the boxing ring, just waiting for its next go round with me. I am sick of fighting fear. It's exhausting. And the harder and harder I fight against it, guess what? The stronger and stronger it becomes-- thereby, better and better able to whoop my ass whenever it wants to. So, I have decided to stop fighting this fear. To become friends with it. To look it dead in the face and say, "I get it. I get you Mr. Fear. I understand why you are scared and even if you are right that that thing WE don't want to happen, happens... well, WE will be ok. I'll still be your friend and understand why you are scared and sad.  You and me Mr. Fear. Oh, and your wife, Mrs. Anxiety, she can come join our friend group too.  You two are just inseparable and it would be adorable if trying to fight you both wasn't making me so miserable. So, let's all just accept that we all actually do not want this thing to happen, but if it does, we will all be ok."

No more fighting against these two. No more blaming and shaming myself. Instead, I am going to relinquish. Surrender. Love myself enough to accept that I am not going to win a fear and anxiety fight. I am going to pray one of the prayers that Return to Love recommends:

Dear God, my desire, my priority is inner peace. I want __________ (fill in your FEAR/Anxiety thing: love, a home, a new job, happiness, a baby, better communication, no more depression). I don't know what would bring that to me. I leave the results of this situation in your hands. I trust your will. May your will be done. Amen.

Return to Love posits that when people say "May God's Will be Done." What they really mean is that God is love, will is thoughts, and so God's will is loving thoughts.  I firmly believe that you don't have to be a Christian to feel as though the universe, the divine, the WORLD, wants us to think loving thoughts because we would be so much better if we were all walking around thinking and acting on loving thoughts (<-- this, by the way, IS the miracle). I also know about 400 people who would say that the world would be better if we all prayed that prayer instead of going into control freak/anxiety/spiral mode. I sure know I would. So I am doing it: embracing the fear and praying the prayer.